My very wise GP keeps encouraging me to live in the ‘timeless zone’ which means, in the present moment. I have a bit of a problem with ‘present moment’ though, because as soon as you even say the words that present moment has gone into the past. You can’t grasp hold of it. So the way I handle it is to imagine myself hovering above my timeline, where everything—past, present and future—exists simultaneously. I can then look forward and back at will, while acknowledging that any action can only be taken right now.
Writing this blog seems, from that higher vantage point, to need an account of some stuff from 2013 (in timezone speak) for the sake of completion … to make way for what is to come.
The year was probably my most challenging to date, with ongoing health problems, the deaths of 6 people who had played a significant part in my life (only one of whom I expected to die before me), continuing financial issues, and the death of our precious, nearly-17-year-old cat Kasha.
Firstly the health issues
Although an MRI scan earlier in the year indicated my brain tumour had gone completely, another scan six months later showed three new ones, in inaccessible places. At the moment they’re very small and unlikely to cause problems in the near future. About the same time, it was discovered I had fluid in the pleural cavity around the left lung. Two drainage sessions later it was also found there was cancer in the pleural cavity. A number of small nodules, apparently. My doctor recommended pleurodesis (look it up if you want to know what that means). I expected this to be painful during the procedure and afterwards. Not so (you can’t believe everything you read or are told). A month later, I’m still suffering no after-effects.
It was while I was in hospital for the above procedures that my cat died … the day before I was supposed to go home. However, by this time it was the weekend and the relief doctor didn’t feel she had the authority to discharge me. In the end I threw a tantrum and discharged myself, after signing the appropriate form. I felt good taking charge of my own welfare. Intuitively, I knew I was in no immediate danger and that I’d be better off at home. In the hospital I was bored silly, couldn’t eat the awful hospital food, and I really really needed private space to grieve for my cat.
In summary, on paper I’m in really bad shape, but in the ‘present moment’ I feel fine, my only ‘symptom’ being intermittent fatigue, which is probably largely caused by the medication I’m on. Fortunately I’ve found some effective ways of counteracting that.
I would have said 2013 was my worst year ever, except that there were a number of good things too, one of which was the launch of Tastes of Life, The CAN Company’s latest book. But I’ll talk about that in my next post.